I notice things I don’t think I’m supposed to. I notice his eyes light up when I talk positively about you, like he’s just discovered something good. Like maybe he’ll get to tell you about it when he sees you next. I even noticed when I said that I agreed with a friend of mine that said you’re attractive, he glanced at you immediately to see if you were awake and you heard it or you were really asleep there on the couch, and missed it. I noticed when you didn’t want to tell him I said hi, and when you didn’t want me to get tickets to a show from him, but wanted me to get them from you instead… You and your friend are so full of clues, and I see these things, always. In a hundred cases, I’ve seen signs like these and disregarded them. Why do I do that?

(Because I’m afraid I’m wrong and it means nothing, or I’m just seeing what I want to see, or you think I’m weird or my friend is cute and THAT is why he seems so interested in my mentions of you and whether or not you caught them, or because either way I am too sick to date and this will just never work, or I feel I’m being cocky and that eventually someone is going to come along who is just plain NOT interested in me, and I think it could be you, etc…) 

I hate liking you and I love liking you and I hate being me, and everything I long for burns my insides like alcohol. I’m completely drunk.

He has pretty eyes and he makes me wish I was normal. He’s shy, I think, and maybe awkward. I don’t particularly care. He makes me an idiot, which isn’t hard to do. Really, I hardly know him. And there’s just not a chance in hell I am well enough… That any of my theories are good enough… Testable… Theoretically plausible… If maybe he went on the way he is now… If maybe I was surprised… If he listened.
But there’s just no chance in hell.
I’m just crazy.

Crazy, longing. Crazy longing. It burns and I love it and I can’t tell a soul. Then my fingers type it all out and I just know, I just know it’s not a secret I am likely to keep. And this will all end up exploding in my face.
Hurry, hurry, hurry, tear me to pieces, anything is better than longing.